You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
