It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Sorry about my life...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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