I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
two words: eviction party
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize