I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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