I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
