I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
