Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
