Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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