Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize