i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
