I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
