How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
