The maid of honor just puked.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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