So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
