i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
