walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Farmville is her only friend.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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