This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
zippers are such a cool invention
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
