Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
