We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
