having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
