Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
