My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
