Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
