just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
