I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
