I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
