he shaved USA in his pubs
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
