One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
