so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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