he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
