Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize