I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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