I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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