Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
