I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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