Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
