She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize