I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
