Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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