I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
