you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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