you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize