I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
