My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
