I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize