we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
