im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
did i just pee glitter
I pour the whiskey from now on
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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