the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
