I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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