Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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