fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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