I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
