I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize