we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
