There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
