Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
Next time I think itโs a good idea to hook up with any of your wifeโs family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
