I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
